ADOLF HITLER's journal…
21st January,2010..
10:34 p.m:
It’s a hard day’s night. I could be sleeping like a log. But I have promises to keep ,and miles to go before I sleep..
Today was another day, just like them all. Agonizing in self pity I woke up to the sound of the roosters in my farm .I have been working here since I …ehmm…“committed suicide” with Eva, my wife and Blondi, my dog. Oh wait…Shit... I wasn’t supposed to tell you that. Ah.. Who cares anyway?
I love this quite little cozy place that Churchill gave me. It’s got one of those cute mills that you see in Dutch postcards, with sprawling lawns, peaceful mountains and cute busty farm girls…mmmm…what else could an ex-dictator wish for…?I love doing what I do, raising chicken, growing potatoes and corn, shepherding sheep and slaughtering pigs. The ‘Nazi Swastik poultry farm’ has been doing really well over the years and that’s the only thing that drives me on now.
Anyways, waking up was followed by my usual dose of coffee and cigarettes. Then breakfast followed, which off course was prepared by my lovely housekeeper – Kim Kardashian –bacon , eggs and my favorite orange jew’ce. She ridicules me for writing this diary, ironically calling me today’s Anne Frank. I don’t retaliate. Considering her intimately erotic body, I don’t think anybody would, yes not even the Fuhrer.
Walking through the lobby, I went into the den for some quite time to myself. A sad ripple of a giggle broke across my face as I saw some of the books that I had written over the years, in honor of my friends – The Jews. The widely read graphic novel ‘Long noses , Erotic poses’ , ‘Hannukah with Santa Klose’ and ‘Concentrate your Camps: Vol I and II’ brought back nostalgic memories filled with sunshine.
We , i.e. the Jews and me, had always shared such a warm and amiable diplomatic relationship but the Americans exploited it, just like they are exploiting the Indians and Pakistanis these days. They just can’t tolerate the idea of world peace now can they?
I initiated the world unification and brotherhood movement back in the 40ies ( later termed as “Flower Power”) and started the ‘concentration camps’ where racists and communists were sent to ‘concentrate’ and ‘meditate’ among aromatic flowers and scented candles to let go off their negative vibes but oh no! We, the mighty Americans can’t live in a world with any bad guys now can we? How do we become heroes with no bad guys around? So let’s just frame the visionary philanthropist Hitler and destroy all his humane work!… Arrogant morons…
Suddenly, I heard the sound of footsteps and saw Kim entering the den in a cute little nurse outfit with her playboy bunny hat. I immediately stood up (in more ways than I’d want, but she hardly noticed, damn you fake Dutch Viagra). She had come to give me my daily insulin injection to control my diabetes. I had learnt long ago that cheesy lines about how it was her sweetness that caused my diabetes wasn’t going to get us anywhere, so I dint even try this time. She unbuttoned my pants to reveal my round plumpy buttocks and administered the injection (So what?! It hurts less on the behind, don’t judge me). She then proceeded to laugh as usual, looking at my tramp stamp – the Swastika that I had got tattooed on my left buttock after a crazy night of partying back in college. Well, before you start shaking your head in dismal disapproval, I was a) drunk, b) in college. You can’t blame me.
After the encounter with Kim I started watching T.V. while she got busy preparing lunch. And that is when my blood started to boil. The son of a bitch Osama Bin Laden came on CNN , still gloating about his 9/11 escapade seven years ago. It was my freaking plan! I wanted to hijack planes and smash em into the ‘Staute of Liberty’ a lady whom I’ve always wanted to ‘bang’ and that stupid turbanator couldn’t even hit the planes on target after he stole the plans from me. That dude is so gay, I mean who ‘hits’ two ‘erect’ towers when there’s a perfectly beautiful lady (The Statue of Liberty) nearby…?!
The news and anything to do with the modern world just increases my blood pressure and so I try to avoid anything to do with it. That is one of the two reasons why I have made my refuge in this remote farmland, the other being Kim off course.
All this thinking was tiring so I went to the bathroom to take a little shower and trim my goatee. The goatee is all I have now, since Charlie Chaplin, the irritating funny man started to imitate my exotic little mustache. I should have patented it while I still had the chance.
Dripping water all over the place, I went outside to sunbathe a little on my hammock wearing Kim’s bunny hat. The hazy sun, the shimmering pond and the lush green grass made me think. All that’s left now is pondering; lamenting and cynical thinking that governs my once lustrous and ambitious life. Times change, so do we ..but I wait…wait in silence..biding my time…my time will come…I shall rise once more to rule this minisucle Earth…whence all shall be my minions, cowering below my might to obey my commands..I shall be the supreme master of the entire universe..mwahahhahahahaahaha ……but in the meantime…goddammit....theres chickens to feed, potatoes to peel, ducks, goats, cows and sheep…miles to go before I sleep…
